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5 Unexpected Truths about Dating a Strong Black Man

5 Unexpected Truths about Dating a Strong Black Man
Tall, dark and handsome.  That has been the definition of “a good man” for a long time, exacerbated by Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Stereotype depictions.  But if we’re honest with ourselves, there is a definite allure from a strong Black man.  The bend of his back, the grip of his hand, the breadth of his shoulders.  He screams sexiness in a “take me home to mama” kind of way.

Courting a strong Black man, however, takes a different kind of intestinal fortitude.  By nature, a strong Black man is strong, Black, and obviously a man.  But, deeper than that, he’s pensive and inquisitive.  Observant and accommodating.  He understands that his strength is deepened by a sense of emotion and presence.  He ain’t no punk.  And to that end, you can’t be a pussy trying to bark at a pit bull.

But unfortunately, strong Black men like myself get a bad rap.  We’re dealt potential mates that would much more give us what they think we want.  So many assume that because we’re strong, we’re expected to value and protect your weakness.  Because we’re pensive and inquisitive, we either always have the answers or always want to create the solutions.  Or because we’re assertive, our emotions don’t have value.

Wrong. Wrong. And. Wrong.

Dating us is no easy feat, but with these 5 unexpected truths that I’ve picked up on my journey toward becoming the strong Black man I am, you’ll be on the way to basking in his presence than missing him in his absence.


Stop assuming that my strength is attracted to your weakness

Paula Abdul is the only person that was successful in an Opposites Attract situation.  After all, she was a human being in relationship with an animated cat.  But in real life, with real people, we’re not attracted to our opposites.  My strength is most attracted to your strength.

Because we are all individuals, my strength, however, will look completely different than yours.  I was having a conversation with a prominent and successful couple in Atlanta.  Both of them are passionate about their relationship, their family together, and their professional endeavors.  And both commented that what they love most about each other are the things their mate is good at.  “I love seeing him doing our daughters hair,” one partner said.  “And I love watching him play outside with our son.”   Both partners are strong Black men who know their lane and stay there.  Strong Black men want to drive beside their partners, not in front of them.


Understand the quickest way to my heart is through my head

Whoever told you the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, could obviously cook.  But what if you can’t boil water?  What then?  Huh?

A strong Black man is strong all day long.  He’s probably at the office making decisions, in his fraternity handling business, in his church leading something.  He’s giving strength all day every day.  For you to successfully fit into his life (and he in yours) you’ve got to be the cheerleader.  Tell him you’re proud of him.  Affirm that he can do it (whatever it is).  Be supportive for his endeavors because you know, and he’s shown, that he already has the strength to support you in yours.


The statement “Not at first, but once I’m comfortable with a person…”is absolute bullshit

Have you ever been on your first (or early) dates and you think, “Should I say that. Because if I say that he’ll think this…”  You get stuck in your head waiting on some magical moment when you can unveil your real self, degenerate into a “I’m not this way at first, but once I’m comfortable…”  Such is the bullshit weak-minded men tell themselves.

The statement “not at first, but once I’m comfortable…” translates to “until you make me comfortable, I’m not really going to be myself.”  It’s emotional games and childish bullshit because (1) no one should have to make you comfortable for you to be yourself.  In fact, you should be yourself in spite of the discomfort you and those around you are feeling.  Then, (2) a strong Black man will not be swayed by your timidity.  Conversely, we’re anxiously awaiting the arrival of the real you.  How else are we supposed to make a decision on whether or not to pursue a future with you?  Or would you prefer we date the mask you’re wearing?

Thirdly, we don’t know you from a can of paint.  What makes you think we want to make you comfortable.  A strong Black man arrives as himself in every space.  Whether he’s in the boardroom or the trap house, his whole presence is who he is on every front.  Most around us probably are constantly uncomfortable because strong Black men don’t blend in, nor do we passify.  We break shit, bust some shit up, and allow chips to fall where they may.  If you’d prefer yo waist time being less than yourself, keep it.


Don’t assume masculinity and strength are synonymous

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but you knew you had to work for it to achieve it?  You prepared for it, trained your body and mind, and handled your business.  It hurt in the beginning.  There was some heart aches and pains.  Some ups and some downs, but you knew that with consistency, endurance, and your own brand of strength, you’d achieve the goal you sought after.

What I just described to you is the life of every bottom as he takes dick.

So many assume that a strong Black man is masculine, a top, a provider, a protector, a deliverer, a way maker, a strong tower, the Prince of Peace and the Lord of Lords.  And to those people that assume so much, I call them Sister Mary Clarence and they’re in covenant with the Lord.

For the rest of us, strength is.  It doesn’t classify or clarify anything.  You don’t have to be a particular type of man to be strong.  You simply are.  Stop fucking assuming that bottoms are weak.  If I spent my whole life propping up, bending over for, and spreading to some other man so he can feel good, I’d be the strongest bitch in the room.


Don’t assume strength and vulnerability are mutually exclusive

I dated someone once who was emotionally abusive.  Because he was the bottom, and for some odd reason, “the woman”, that means I was supposed to be “the man” and do what men do.  By that he meant I was supposed to be an emotionless dick that kept a roof over our head and cum in his ass.

That’s bullshit.

Every person is emotional.  Strong Black men, however, either channel our emotions into action or are forced to table our emotions due to circumstance.  But if you’re attempting to date us, you have to understand that my emotions matter to me.  And if we’re building a future together, they must matter to you as well.

The difference, however, and indicator that you’re dealing with a strong Black man is how he communicates his emotions.  You remember Tasha on Why Did I Get Married?  She wore her feelings on her sleeve.  Her insecurities were evident with every “get the hoe number, Marcus!”

A strong Black man isn’t running behind you yelling.  His emotions are subtle.  His feelings are nuanced.  And his words are intentional.  When he communicates with you, listen deeply.  When he confides in you, console him.  Because the second you stop understanding and expressing the importance of his feelings, thats the moment he’ll stop sharing them with you.  And how many times have you heard of a strong Black men cheating because somebody else does what you won’t do?  #IJS

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